How to be a boss (Scenes from the Modern Office)

If you've ever wondered if you have what it takes to be the boss at your work, I've put together a handy reference guide for you. If you're talking to a subordinate, just drop these phrases liberally into the conversation, and you'll be promoted in no time!

• "Could you go ahead and e-mail that to me?" NOTE: Item should exist in hard-copy only.

• Subordinate: "I'm waiting to hear back from Joe." You: "Could you go ahead and follow up with Joe about that?"

• "That needs to be done today." NOTE: For phrase to be effective, item should not actually have to be done today.

• "You need to make that a priority. Deprioritize your current reports, and make this your primary action item."
  

• "Oh, and we're cutting your hours."

• "Could you go ahead and schedule a meeting so we can talk about this more?" NOTE: You should not actually show up to this meeting.
  

• "Let's wait until next week to discuss that." NOTE: This works especially well for time-sensitive items.
  

• "I'll send you an e-mail detailing what I want you to say in your e-mail to the client." NOTE: Under no circumstances should you simply send the e-mail yourself.
  

• "I'll be out of the office for the next two weeks."

See? Easy as reconciling the budget! (NOTE: You should not actually reconcile the budget.)

• "Stop blogging and get back to work!"

I should actually do that.