Big red letter day

I'm too busy at the moment to do justice to how momumentally hilarious this is, but:
We had a division-wide meeting at lunch today. There is a whiteboard behind the screen they were using for the powerpoint presentation. So, some of us are sitting around eating lunch before the meeting begins. And for whatever reason, they raise the screen up. On the whiteboard, in HUGE red letters, is written BEARDED CLAM
Nobody knows why, or who... It was just...there. We cried from laughing so hard. They didn't even erase it. Just let it ride for the entire meeting. Classic.

Hey, you know what, Germany?

Fuck you.

A War To Be Proud Of

If that phrase makes you cough and sputter in passive spurts of indignation, you should read this article by Christopher Hitchens, who makes the case for war the administration has yet been unable to.

Among the many highlights:

The peaceniks love to ask: When and where will it all end? The answer is easy: It will end with the surrender or defeat of one of the contending parties. Should I add that I am certain which party that ought to be? Defeat is just about imaginable, though the mathematics and the algebra tell heavily against the holy warriors. Surrender to such a foe, after only four years of combat, is not even worthy of consideration.

Yes. You're going to hear a lot of talk about "phased withdrawl," "timetables," and "goals" for removal of American troops from Iraq in advance of the coming midterm elections. "Stay the course" is perhaps not the best response, as the current course has more than a few divots. Perhaps more like, "we'll sleep when they're dead."

Resolve is what's needed to defeat this form of facism and the remaining autocratic oppression, cloaked in Islam, in the middle east. (Resolve, and lots of guns, which we already have in any case.) Breathless reporting of every spilled drop of American blood, titrated with Vietnam-era peacenik pansyism about use of American military force in any (although especially a Republican) capacity, has a lot to answer for in this regard.

Hitchens later makes an enormously important point, almost offhandedly. This is a nihilistic enemy. Think for a minute about what that means.

Last:

Coexistence with aggressive regimes or expansionist, theocratic, and totalitarian ideologies is not in fact possible. One should welcome this conclusion for the additional reason that such coexistence is not desirable, either. If the great effort to remake Iraq as a demilitarized federal and secular democracy should fail or be defeated, I shall lose sleep for the rest of my life in reproaching myself for doing too little. But at least I shall have the comfort of not having offered, so far as I can recall, any word or deed that contributed to a defeat.

Have you?

So yesterday (Rochester had taste)

Man, I don't know why you've put out this jihad on the Duff. She's so cute! Plus, she totally digs me.

bad idea

I want to go on record as having opposed this. This can't turn out well.

I cried, "Bullshit!"

It says, "The squares marked A and B are the same shades of gray." I looked at it and said, "Like fuck they are." Check this, though, to prove it to yourself. I'm impressed.

Can you hear the pop coming?

Via Marginal Revolution

Might want to wait to buy that house, B.

the gift that keeps on giving

The Siths milled about nervously and then, "He's coming. He's coming!" barked the bearded Sith. I placed my video camera on a nearby stairwell to record the event of our interview. One of the Siths came to me and positioned me at the shoulders as though I were a mannequin in a window display. I laughed. But standing square-shouldered would not be the greatest compromise that I had ever suffered. And then he came.

Hahahaha! LOL! Sorry. That was dirty, and a bit out of context. I'm really not sure what the Sith have to do with anything either. Oh well. Enjoy the rest of the paragraph, which is just as awesome.

White turban, white robe and his famously thin beard. He was guided to me. We shook hands. And then we were repositioned for what seemed more a photo op than an interview. I began by asking a simple question related to a New York Times article where he was quoted comparing our two democracies but favoring his own. He basically repeated what I had read in the New York Times -- that they had eight candidates for president where we only had two legitimate ones. Simple as his answer was, he eluded the heart of my question. So I repeated it in different words. "What is it that you consider to be the core of democracy?" His answer: that they had more candidates than we do. That was pretty much it.

"He was guided to me." So best.

Had I known that I was going to forget my lunch this morning, I would have slept in an extra 10 minutes, and not made the lunch at all.

b-day present, day 2

"Two of the women lived together. It seemed that they might have been insinuating that they were a lesbian couple, but I can’t say for sure. I refer to my internal manual of ethics, and there it is right there, in “questions unbecoming a gentleman”: Don’t ask two women you just met if they’re lesbians."*

Back on top, hippies!!!

The University of Wisconsin-Madison topped a list of the nation's best party schools released Monday, despite a decade-long effort by the school to reduce its reputation for heavy drinking. ...

U.S. News and World Report ranked UW-Madison No. 34 among national universities in its annual survey last week.

"It just shows that we work hard but we play hard also," said Eric Varney, chair of the Associated Students of Madison.

It's good to be #1.

birthday comes early (or, Spiccoli does Tehran)

Is it my birthday? No. That's not until September 28th. Ahem. But someone must've forgotten to tell the San Francisco Chronicle, because they've just given me an early gift.

In June, Sean Penn and two friends traveled to Tehran. It was Penn's first trip to the country. What he found was a culture in conflict. Although the nation is ruled by a very conservative, tradition-bound government, Penn talked to many younger Iranians who have a strong interest in Western culture and want their own country to liberalize its policies on individual rights. Beginning today, The Chronicle will publish a five-day series of his reports from Iran.

Shit yeah!
Best part:

As I studied one of those building sides, the searing eyes of their beloved Ayatollah, I stepped off a curb and was nearly flattened by a transit bus. I leaped backward onto the sidewalk. And there they were, staring down upon me, Iranian men, in the front of the bus. But as I regained my bearings, the last third of the bus passed me and it was there, where everything went into slow motion. Sliding by me was the rear of the bus, occupied only by women in black chadors. The back of the bus. I thought of Rosa Parks.

Also:

The scene downstairs reminded me of similar scenes in Iraq, at Baghdad's Al Rashid and Palestine hotels. International journalists with that "What the f -- are you doing here, Mr. Penn?" look on their faces.

Do they really call him Mr. Penn? In any case, we soon see who is, in fact, the coolest mofo in the Middle East. That's right, it's Mr. Penn:

He thought of Rosa Parks.

another Phil Collins rant

So, I went to the Gap today. Which, say what you will (and you will) about their suburban takeover mentality, and/or how they're like the Starbucks of clothes... they have great jeans. I went in not only to buy some pants, but also because they're giving away free iTunes downloads whenever you try on a pair of jeans. Not buy, just try on. I mean, throw that in a pot with some vegetables? Brother, you got yourself a stew going. Plus? They're only supposed to give you one card, but the dude hooked up me with five. Why? Because I'm frickin' awesome.
Anywizz, so I'm wandering through the iTunes music store, and I come across this delightful sentiment, courtesy of John Linell, from They Might Be Giants:

"Defending the music of Mr. [Phil] Collins can be a fruitless, time-wasting effort. In the simplest terms, throughout his career I've been silently praying that the earth would open up and swallow him and all his works."

Yes. He goes on to actually put the song on his playlist, which to me seems inexcusable. I don't know. Just a great rip on Phil Collins.

May include meat

Here's an article profiling Ricky Gervais, the guy from "The Office," about his new tv show and some other stuff.

iPod war!!!

Annie told me a story about how some limey approached her in the airport, compared what each was listening to, then walked off. This was before she lost her iPod, obvs. Apparently, this practice of iPod war is quite big in the UK, and entails checking out another's iPod and seeing who is listening to cooler music. We've decided to import the concept to the 'sphere.

Here's how it works: Annie and I both put our iPods on shuffle, then wrote down the first 10 songs that came up. I'll list mine below, Annie's is here. We each get one skip. (Annie used hers, my list is au naturel.) We'll compare track-by-track whose list is cooler. You should feel free to comment, as well. Any questions? Shut up. No questions. On to the list!

1. Sam Cooke- Twisting the Night Away
2. The White Stripes- The Denial Twist
3. Architecture In Helsinki- The Cemetary
4. Wilco- Less Than You Think
5. The Postal Service- Sleeping In
6. Aimee Mann- 4th of July
7. Edan- Polite Meeting (Intro)
8. Pan American- Lights Of Little Towns
9. Evan Dando- Rancho Santa Fe
10. Suede- The Asphalt World

War!

UPDATE: First, thanks Matt for the link. Since Annie has already put on the flight suit and declared "Mission Acccomplished" for numbers 4, 7, 8 , 9 and 10, and conceeded number 5 to me, I guess only 1-3 and 6 are open to debate.
Ok, 1: Although I typically detest songs about dancing, this song is a classic, and represents the only, er..."urban" artist on the list. In the interest of diversity, I win #1. But I do love that Wilco song. Obvs. Number 2 I win hands down, because this song kicks fucking ass. Jack White's best vocal performance ever. Number 3 is the only toss-up here, because these are both really awesome songs by indie-pop bands that have yet, in my opinion, to prove themselves past one album. But since I need this one to at least tie, I win this one. And for #6, this song has the best lyrics of any song on the list, so I win this one, too.
Overall, the peerless "More Than Words" I think pushes Annie only slightly over the top, and on style points alone. Congrats, Craig Stewart.

ANUTHA' UPDATE: Angry Hippie's list is here. I think he wins #3. What a beautiful song.

bliptones

Hey, hipsters. Have you ever wanted your cell phone to play "Popular" by Nada Surf? Or "The Eyebright Bugger" by Deerhoof? What about MC Paul Barman's "Burping and Farting"? Well, now's yer chance. Some enterprising youngster (a fact which could not be verified at press time) has started Bliptones, indie rock for yer celly.
My own self, I think Super Furry Animals' "Rings Around the World" or "Wherever I Lay My Phone" would be totally brills. No such luck.

minor incidents

Here's a bunch of short essays inspired by Nick Hornby's Songbook. Which, if you haven't read it, is a really fun book. He assays about 30 songs, nearly half of which appear on the accompanying CD, breaking down why they matter. Not that they're his favorite songs, necessarily, or even his favorites by a given artist, just songs that were there at a particular point in his life.
I'm not sure if any or all of the contributor's are McSweeney's folks, but every blurb I've read has been very well done. Hornby himself writes about a personal fave, Ryan Adams' "Oh My Sweet Carolina." Also, the one about Richard Marx's "Hazard" is effing rad.

Cheers

Buy it 'ere.

a quote for today

"With the joy of responsibility comes the burden of obligation." --Hank Hill

public service announcement

Damn. I mean, damn. He's right, you know. I feel extra ashamed because I had plans to do exactly that after I activated a Netflix account.

Does Grand Moff Tarkin simply not exist to you people?!?!

In an otherwise decent column about Firefly, this piece misrepresents the relationship between government and freedom in "Star Wars." The author says:

While Star Trek lamentably supported a "Federation knows best" mentality, other works like Star Wars and Robert Heinlein's novels have promoted the dissolution of central rule and the triumph of the individual.

She's using this to set up an argument for Firefly as being essentialy libertarian, which is not entirely untrue. But I think she makes a common mistake, or at least a simplistic one, in assuming that the rebels in "Star Wars" equal the way, the truth, and the light. Let's not forget how the Empire began, ok? The bureaucratic Galactic Senate could not effectively regulate interplanetary trade, and a new faction arose to handle these disputes. Wouldn't that make the side the rebels are fighting on, the side of the "Old Republic," the side of repression and the stifling influence of economic central planning? "Ah," you counter, "but it turns out that the trade dispute was manufactured! Nothing more than a ruse to distract the Jedi from the rise of the Sith." This I cannot dispute. Howevs, it is, in truth, irrelevant. As late as Episode IV, Tarkin lays out the plan for how the Empire will rule the galaxy:

Governor Tarkin: "The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."

General Tagge: "But that's impossible. How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?"

Governor Tarkin: "The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station."

Setting aside any moral claims you may have with the Empire (y'know, like genocide), I think it's unreasonable to say that "Star Wars" "promoted the dissolution of central rule" when the heroes of the movies were fighting to preserve exactly that.

p.s. How disgusting is it that Tagge simply cannot concieve of an effective mode of governance that doesn't involve a centralized bureaucracy. Get with it, pinko.

less than you think

I've been thinking a lot about this. Prepare yourselves to be blinded by the awesome relevance of my thoughts.

I appreciate interesting music. That's a dodgy concept, of course, "interesting music." Schoenberg's 12-tone music is considered by many to be "interesting," but it's unambiguously unlistenable. A friend once described my taste as being concentrated in "demented pop music." This is much easier to handle. Pop music, not to be confused with pap, and by way of definition, should not be construed to encompass Backsteet Boy-Avril Lavigne-esque radio-ready synthesized sludge. Pop should mean catchy, song-based music that's not too brutal, loud, or, shall we say, "urban."

What Wilco has always done well is take pop music a step beyond pop's traditional constraints by playing with the form and making it musically engaging and interesting to listen to. Their songs, at heart, are fairly simple. Usually based on acoustic guitar or piano and accentuated from there, use "California Stars" as an example of just how simple, musically (not lyrically, obvs), their songs can be. What distinguishes Wilco is how they make these simple songs interesting. "Being There" updated classic rock with some new structures, new production, and a willingness to experiment. "Summerteeth" used all kinds of interesting instruments, lots of vintage synthesizers, and inventive harmonies to give a shiny mask to songs that were increasingly fractuous and dark. I would argue for "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" as a direct descendent of Big Star's "Third/Sister Lovers" in that the songs sounded on the verge of disintegration, both structurally and aurally.

Of course, nearly every song on every album has a memorable melody, which can enhance (or distract) the "listenability" of the tracks. Nobody wants to listen to 7 minutes of feedback and nonsensical drumming, but if you put a pretty vocal on top, it's a lot more palatable.

I like Wilco because they make pop music interesting, and interesting music poppy. They also make interesting pop music. Which is neither here nor there. Or possibly both. Maybe I haven't given as much thought to this as I thought. Wheels within wheels, man.

Yup

As far as I’m concerned, social liberalism is the best thing the Democratic Party has going for it. They should keep that and drop the pacifism and isolationism instead. They’ll get a lot more votes next time around if they do. Plenty of socially liberal people voted for George W. Bush on national security grounds. Some of us would go home again if we could. *

the trick is to keep breathing

Ok, take a look at these pictures. Just look at 'em for a few seconds.







Are they moving? Quickly or slowly? According to the email I got with these pictures, these are supposed to measure your ability to handle stress. Like, when criminals see them, they see the first one spinning like mad, and kids and old people don't even see the movement at all.

For me, they move, but very slowly. Like they're breathing.

By the way, this is a completely valid scientific procedure. Ahem.

fake dutch

This may be more Annie's bag, but...

don't fear the reaver

Since I've been geeking out about "Serenity" lately, I figure it'd be good if you, the (presumably) unitiated, knew what it was all about. Here's the best description of the show I've seen:

What’s it about? Well, its main “gimmick” is that it’s a Western set in space, but that doesn’t tell you much. Imagine the Star Wars universe but grittier, with lower tech, better dialogue, and no aliens, plus the Rebellion is over and it failed. A more embittered Han Solo is still flying his second-hand spaceship around the Outer Rim, taking ethically questionable assignments, dodging bullets, and trying to avoid imperial entanglements. Oh yeah, and cursing in Chinese. Plus Princess Leia is a psychotic teenager who can kill you with her brain.

It's really good.

So then Reagan sez...

Winston Churchill...arrived at a London hotel for a function when he decided to stop by the men's room. No sooner did he find a position to relieve himself than who should enter the men's room but his old political rival Clement Attlee. To Churchill's surprise, Attlee came and stood right next to him, so Churchill nervously moved a few places away. "My, my, Winston," Attlee exclaimed. "Are we being modest?" Churchill replied, "Not at all Clement. It's just that whenever you see something that is large, privately owned and working well, you want to nationalize it." (pp. 209)

Oh! Oh snap!
(*, via Oxblog)

oil-for-food

I think if the "anti-war" folks actually cared about Iraqi civilians, instead of using them as a proxy for Bush bashing, they'd be outside the U.N. protesting crap like this.

Who doesn't?!?!?

Lindsay Lohan has hired a personal trainer - to put on weight. ...

Exercise coach Justin Gelband has put the 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' star on a special diet to restore her sexy curves and the star has purportedly gone up two dress sizes.
She said: "I'm working out with a trainer and eating healthily. I want my boobs back."

Can't stop the signal, bitches!

The new trailer for "Serenity" is online.

Air America

I can't remember whether I posted about this earlier or not, but it appears that Air America may have been stealing money meant for poor children and Alzheimer's patients to pay it's bills.

In fact, the amount in question now totals $875,000, which the corporation's new ownership discovered on its own but never revealed to authorities. This company has now belatedly agreed to repay the money--but over two years, while the charity remains under funded for its tasks and suffered the loss of other government contracts due to its nonperformance on these earmarked grants.

Hewitt says:

We know a lot about the medications Rush Limbaugh has taken.
We know a great deal about Bill O'Reilly's troubles.
But thus far we don't know much about how Al Franken got paid the big bucks last year, when all of the mainstream media seemed to be cheering his debut.

You heard it here first, hippies.

Californiaaaaaaaaaaa

When a group of "O.C."-loving law students at the University of California-Berkeley created the Sandy Cohen Fellowship earlier this year, they hoped to have Peter Gallagher on hand to present the award.
After all, it's named after the character he plays on the FOX drama, do-gooding one-time public defender Sandy Cohen. The $2,000 scholarship goes toward an internship in a public defender's office for a student at Boalt Hall, Berkeley's law school. Gallagher went his Boalt fans one better -- not only showing up to present the award, but also kicking in half the amount of the fellowship.

Also?

Bam!

wi-fi times

See, this is why I don't think cities providing wi-fi is such a hot idea. I don't like it when the gov't can use it's power to crowd out private entities, especially when they're competing to provide the same service.

Mormons, please skip this post

Here's a list of good wines that are all less than $10 a bottle, from the NYT. I'll post the list since they'll probably charge you for it soon, the elitist bastards.

(wine year price rating, schmobvs)

WHITE:
Steenberg South Africa Sauvignon Blanc 2004 $8 **½
Veramonte Casablanca Valley, Chile Sauvignon Blanc 2004 $7**
Domaine Duffour Vin de Pays des Côtes de Gascogne 2003 $7.40**
Bodegas Salentein Mendoza, Argentina Sauvignon Blanc Finca el Portillo 2004 $9**
Bolla Venezie I.G.T Pinot Grigio 2002 $10**

RED:
J. Vidal-Fleury Côtes-du-Rhône 2001 $8***
Domaine Lafond Lirac Roc-Épine 2002 $8 **
Sumarroca Penedès Tempranillo Barrel-Aged 2002 $10 *½
Bonny Doon California Ca'del Solo Big House Red 2003 $10 **
Bogle California Old Vine Zinfandel 2003 $9 *½

scrolling belt buckle?

What would you program into this?

Oh, that liberal media

Finally! A medium that combines all the free-wheeling fun of Al Gore, with the credibility of liberal politics! Strap in for a wild, left-leaning ride, hippies!

Much of the talk around Al Gore's new Current TV network has been broadly philosophical, like the former vice president's statement that "we want to be the television home page for the Internet generation."

What? That doesn't even make any fucking sense. "The television home page for the internet generation"? Is that something like the Information Superhighway?

Gore and his fellow investors envision Current as a sounding board for young people, a step beyond traditional notions of interactivity. They want viewers to contribute much of the network's content now that quality video equipment is widely available.

Only, not so much...

Last year Current said it was going to hire 200 video journalists and give them low-cost equipment. Some 2,000 people applied, but Current abandoned the plan, causing some bad blood, he said.

Most of its programming will be in "pods," roughly two to seven minutes long, covering topics like jobs, technology, spirituality and current events. An Internet-like on-screen progress bar will show the pod's length.

Pods! Trendy! And a progress bar to let you know exactly how much longer they'll be talking about this boring shit.

Its short films include a profile of a hang glider and a piece on working in a fish market. One contributor talked about what it was like to have his phone number on a hacked Internet list of Paris Hilton's cell phone contacts, saying that dealing with curiosity seekers was like "hosting your own radio call-in show."

What the hell is this? Nick News???

the Bomb

It's nearing the 60th anniversary of the dropping of the first atomic weapons- on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Recently declassified military intelligence intercepts reveal that, contrary to some revisionist history in the past few decades, Japan was not ready to surrender before we dropped the bomb.

There are a good many more points that now extend our understanding beyond the debates of 1995. But it is clear that all three of the critics' central premises are wrong. The Japanese did not see their situation as catastrophically hopeless. They were not seeking to surrender, but pursuing a negotiated end to the war that preserved the old order in Japan, not just a figurehead emperor. Finally, thanks to radio intelligence, American leaders, far from knowing that peace was at hand, understood--as one analytical piece in the "Magic" Far East Summary stated in July 1945, after a review of both the military and diplomatic intercepts--that "until the Japanese leaders realize that an invasion can not be repelled, there is little likelihood that they will accept any peace terms satisfactory to the Allies." This cannot be improved upon as a succinct and accurate summary of the military and diplomatic realities of the summer of 1945.

It's a pretty interesting article about Truman's decision-making process. Check it out.

Mormons

"It is almost impossible to write fiction about the Mormons, for the reasons that Mormon institutions and Mormon society are so peculiar that they call for constant explanation."
Man, you've got to read this article about the Mormon single scene.

Singles wards grew out of college wards as a sort of nudge-nudge-wink-wink opportunity created by the LDS church for postgraduate singles to share the gospel with others in the same phase of life. The church’s intent is clear: It wants single members to meet other single members so they can become married members and start families. And the best way to increase the odds is to create social opportunities at church.

The article covers all the weirdo bases: no booze, lots of popsicles, 33 year olds referring to "boobies" and "butts," special underwear... it's all there.
I used to work with this Mormon guy called Joe, and somebody asked him about the special underwear, and he had to explain it all to us. It was strange, because he was still an undergrad and already married, but apparently that's how those Mormons roll.
Actually, every Mormon girl I've ever met has been really hot. And with a built-in singles scene? Aside from the no sex, booze, or cursing, and all the stupid public service you have to do, Mormonism doesn't sound so bad.